Graduation day

Not my graduation day unfortunately, the students who just qualified in July. It should have been my graduation day of course, if I hadn’t failed the last module. Yes, I am still a bit bitter about this. On reflection (ahhhhhhhhhh) I should have really, really underlined the word “discuss” on the assignment brief. So, I’m not graduating with the rest of my class. I think that is what upsets me more than anything. I enjoyed the time we spent sleeping through some lectures and failing to understand others.
I should get the opportunity to graduate this time next year. I don’t think I will. It doesn’t mean much a full year after I wrote the last word. I guess my next graduation will be my doctorate, if I ever get that far. Sometimes I don’t think I am up to it, but at other times I think that if Ruth can do it so can I. A bit of competition, even if it is not overt, is a good thing. It spurs me on.

Bored on the train

I’m on my way to Cambridge this morning. I don’t like the journey there. It takes too long. Fifty minutes to Ely and then a small wait before catching the next train onwards. The last one only takes about fifteen minutes but it is a hassel. One of the annoying things about this service is that the train goes so slowly. The ipswich one flies along but this one creeps, as though it is considering stopping at every single station because it can’t make its mind up. In reality it stops at Thetford. The seats are uncomfortable too and there is nowhere enough room for a bag, coat and breakfast.
I had a dream about my assignment last night. I dreamed that I got the second top mark in the class for it. Now this is of course impossible but what does it mean? When I used to dream about a real situation as a teenager I used to think it meant that it wouldn’t happen. So does that mean I won’t get the second highest mark? Well, I won’t will I. The maximum I can get is 50%. I hope I do manage to get that much.
I am truely fed up thinking about it. I want to move on and do something new. My OU course starts in October and I am really loooking forward to it. I hope it is good. I also hope that the course home page is nice and small so I can access it from my PDA in the mornings. That is probably the best time to do some writing.
Right, I am getting boring now so I’ll go and surf the net or something, if there is a signal around here.

Finished at last (again)

Well, I finished the essay tonight.  I don’t know if it is any better or not.  I suppose it is less descriptive.  If I was allowed four thousand words it would be a heck of a lot better.  I hate having to trim as much as I had to.  I suppose I should run it past someone tomorrow, just to make sure it passes.  Not sure ther is much point in running it past my personal tutor so I might try someone else.  A couple of people have offered.  I don’t want to put anyone on the spot though.  I am still so pissed off with my self for failing it.  If I pass I’ll feel as though it is no great acheivement.  As though I’ve not really acomplished anything.  I certainly do not feel like graduating.  If I had passed all the modules first time then I might have considered it but I don’t feel like it now.  Maybe if someone else does… what am I saying!  I haven’t passed it yet, I might need a third attempt and that would be really, really embarasing.   What a horrible thought.  I think the pre-board is on the eigth of September and board a week later.  I should know a few days after that.  I can’t beleive I have to go thorough it all again.  I should have known that I’d failed when I was so desperate for my results.  When I couldn’t care less then I usualy pass.  Let’s hope I am able to keep the results letter in my in tray for a couple of weeks or so before I feel like opening it.

Guess what I’m doing

Yup, I’, sitting infront  of the computer again, ready to start another day of searching for references.  I think I lost a bit of focus last night, actualy I’m not sure I had any focus last night, but that is what comes of working and thinking all day.  I feel totaly refreshed now and ready to start.

My aim today is to start on the OSCE bit.  I have put down some of my thoughts but I think I may do some searches and reading of articles before I really start writing.  I have a couple I did get from the library so hopefuly they will give me some ideas.  I think then I will cut out the sections to be revamped and work on them in a seperate doccument.  That way I won’t get distracted…. but first I have to assess the washing situation…

I am bored stupid!

I have been working on this stupid essay for hours.  I am bored and have a numb bum!  With every word I write I am hating interprofessional OSCEs more and more.  I am worried that I am going to write down what I really feel about the whole stupid process.  The only good thing is that I am hating the majority of nurses less.  They seem to have sussed portfolios so maybe they are not all as bad as I first thought.  Interestigly the literature aludes to the fact that several years ago there were issues the the competence of qualifying nurses.  I guess that is about the time I had most dealings with them and so it is no wonder that I built up barriers and biases.

I did really want to do more on OSCEs today but I am just sick of sitting here.  I think I need a break/glass of wine.  My essay is now so muddled I don’t know what to take in or leave out.  It is about 4200 words long which is of course far too many.  My aim for tomorrow was to finish it, at least mostly finish it.  I still think this is possible but it will take a lot of work.  I seem to have very few references about OSCEs.  One of the most frustrating things is that I am required to put my own ideas forward but have to back them up with references.  What if there are none?  What if I have come up with an origional idea?  I don’t know and to be honest, tonight I am past caring.

Another (not quite so) looooong day in front of the computer

It is almost half one and I am just about starting work on the essay.  I’m a bit later today than I was yesterday but it is Sunday and British culture says you are entitle to a long lie on a Sunday, or is that just the atheists who don’t go to church that get the long lie?  Anyway, whatever.  I am about to start.  I think I did quite well yesterday.  I seemed to write quite a lot and add several references.  My aim is to make it onto a third reference page.  I hope they check every single one of them!  I did a fair bit of new stuff on portfolios yesterday.  I hope it is discussive enough.  Today should be mostly editing the stuff I did previously on portfolios, well, at least I hope it is.  If I finish that bit early I might try to find the references for the bits I have marked “ref. needed”.

So far I am on course to have an easy day on Tuesday.

Looooong weekend infront of the computer

I have a three day long weekend followed by my last study day of the year.  I am now sitting down in front of the computer contemplating starting to re-do my Ass. Sup. essay.  I can think of one hundred and one better things to do and at least ninety-nine of those are more enjoyable.  Still, it has to be done.  I really do not relish the thought of ploughing through a pile of self righteous articles about portfolios written by a bunch of equally self righteous nurses.  However I think I might need to bite the bullet and force myself to accept that nurses seem to be the only ones who publish anything relevant.  Could be because they get protected CPD time and aren’t as busy as other health care professionals, at least the nurses I’ve seen on the wards don’t look busy, they are always hanging around the nurses station gossiping while the patients wait days for their call buttons to be answerer.

Do I sound as thought I have a thing about nurses?  I probably do.  I used to get so pissed off at patients calling me nurse, nurses having no clue what so ever about radiotherapy, and generally not doing a competent job at looking after radiotherapy patients.  I really have lost all respect for the majority of working ward nurses.  There are the exceptions of course.  There was a sister on one ward a few years ago who was not up her own arse and did what she said she would do.

Right, enough moaning about nurses.  It is not relevant, constructive, interesting or true of all nurses.  I probably only give vent to these words because I am totally fed up of reading articles which are not particularly well written by them and getting referred to articles by then when studying an INTERPROFESSIONAL course.

Where have I been?

Where have I been? Nowhere actualy. I’ve just had other things to do on the train in the morning and evening. I also seem to have a lot to do at work at the momment. Nothing I can get my teeth into but lots and lots of itty-bitty jobs. Jobs that are really not mine but because I’ve noticed things that are incorrect or do not make sense. Being a perfectionist is the bane of my life! Today will hopefuly be a bit calmer. I have a module meeting and that is all that is in my diary. I might even get a chance to look at the QA booklet. There are various other things I would like to get sorted but one of my priorities has to be to get to the library this morning.
I’ve got to spend the next four days redeeming my PGC failure. There are one hundred and one other things I would rather be doing but I don’t reallly have a choice do I? I know what I have to do but it will just be so time consuming doing it. My desk at home is also a mess and not conducive to tidy thought. Hey ho. Life goes on. I’ll look forward to the day I can actualy start my OU course. I hope it is a good one.

Back to work and a major re-write

I hate having to get up early on the first morning back to work after a holiday. It is such an effort. It wasn’t that I was dreading going back, I was almost looking forward to it. It was the physically getting out of bed. Actually when I say “bed” what I really mean is “floor” because we still have no mattress for the bed.
I got my feedback for my referred module. I was hoping for something quick and easy to correct but no such luck. It needs a major re-write. It needs depth and more references. I can accept the depth bit but I did just as many references as the other modules and that has never been commented on before. I also need to do more problem solving. I have a tiny bit of an issue with this concept. If I am to write more original thought how am I going to find references? If my thoughts and problem solutions are original then there will be no references to back up what I am saying. I think I need to fudge it. That is instead of describing the innovative solutions we came up with when we designed the portfolio I have to pretend that the portfolio has not been designed yet and describe how I will do it. I also need to find some note the ideas they present, pretend they are mine then use them to back up “my” ideas.
Now, this doesn’t find very ethical to me but if it gets me a pass then I am willing to do it. Maybe I was just too honest in the first place.
I mentioned a few days ago that I hoped that marker was a decent one. Well they were, at least the first one was, I don’t know about the second. I think that is a bit of a relief because at least it is someone I like and respect. Someone with a heck of a lot of experience and a bit of common sense. Does that make them a strict marker though? Who knows.
I am a bit worried about the time I have to complete the thing in. One weekend basically, thought it is a long weekend. I am not sure I will be able to get more references by then because it took the library almost three weeks to get my last lot.
I think I need a bit of a plan to aid completion. My first aim will be to speak to the marker. I’ll phone them tomorrow I think, or write an email tonight if I feel like it. I then need to sort out some literature to use. Ironically I did search and search for relevant articles about portfolios but none of them described the type of portfolio we actually use, and naturally none of them were related to my profession. Maybe I could discuss this. That would mean major work though. That is what I need to speak to the marker about. Is it worth doing such major work? Realistically I only need to gain another ten percent. There is no point in doing more, but I do have to make sure I get the ten percent.
You know, saying that I only need to get another ten percent makes it sound a heck of a lot easier. It shouldn’t be too much trouble to improve things by that much. I might be able to do just that by changing the tense of the essay from the past to the future. No point in making it difficult for my self now.

Feeling slightly less bitter but no less pissed off

I didn’t just fail (I mean get referred in) the assessment supervision module, I failed it badly.  I got 40%.  Now that is crap.  I got 65% in reflexivity.  A whole 25% more.  I must have done something bloody stupid.  I think I am getting over the “pissed off at markers” stage and I am now pissed off with my self.  I really struggled to write the reflexivity essay and thought it was a bit naff in places, lots of places but I get a good mark.  When I do what I think is a good essay I fail miserable.

Actually I am still pissed off at someone.  The person who obviously knew my result and just before I went on holiday grinned in what I took to be a “don’t worry about it” kind of way.  What a bastard!  Maybe I read what I wanted into it and not what was really there.

The resubmission date is Friday the 1^st of September.  This gives me a grand total of 18 days to re-write it, assuming I get my feedback on Monday (last I heard it was still with the external examiner).  Only two of those days are a free weekend!  I have Guide camp taking up four days.  The tutorial is on the 25^th when I am supposed to be doing clearing and having a module meeting with my colleagues.  I have a tonne of stuff I wanted to do before the new students start on the 11^th of September.  I’d also quite like to prepare some lectures a wee bit sooner than the night before.  At least I have sent all the portfolios to repro. already.

Right, enough complaining.  No doubt I should be reflecting about how non-constructive it all is but to hell with that.  I’m on holiday still.  I’ll aim to stop being bitter, pissed off and disbelieving on Monday!